


Striving

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck, MSPaintadventueres
Genre: Anorexia, Cutting, Other, Other tags/characters added as story progresses, Sadstuck, Self Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-03
Updated: 2015-03-29
Packaged: 2018-01-07 06:57:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1116856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aradia was perfect. </p>
<p>Sollux loved her. </p>
<p>She had friends. </p>
<p>People thought she was lovely. </p>
<p>But she started eating </p>
<p>And Sollux started liking someone else</p>
<p>She lost her friends</p>
<p>She became unwanted, a failure, a disappointment. </p>
<p>She tried to become less of a burden, but she was saved and now she has been forced onto the long and difficult road to recovery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Unlovely

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically a venting thing that I wrote because I was sad and needed an outlet. You might find it good, might find it bad but I needed to write something so here it is. 
> 
> Please comment so I can become a better, more skilled writer. Kudos please and thankyou.

You were so perfect. 

Everyone loved you, wanted to be you. You loved you. You were lovely, you were loved. You had a love. But you messed up. 

You let it slip away. 

You were so pretty when you didn't eat. You were perfect. You had a loving boyfriend. You had friends, people liked you. But you messed up, you started eating again. You got so ugly. 

And fat. 

And disgusting. 

And disappointing. 

Out of everything you are, disappointing is the worst. You have failed. Being disappointing means that you were never expected to succeed, though. Disappointing is what happens when the runt of the litter dies. It's a shame, a disappointment. It was never expected to live, to succeed...just die. 

That's what you want to do. 

That's what you need to do. 

That's what you've just attempted to do. 

Your name is Aradia Megido and your standing in front of your bathroom sink, staring at yourself in the mirror. Your name is Aradia Megido and your face is so pale and fat and hideous. 

Your name is Aradia Megido and there is a six inch gash in your right arm, drops of blood spurting out of you with your heart beat. (The very muscle there to keep you alive...bringing forth your death with every pump.) 

Your name is Aradia Megido and you feel dizzy and light headed. 

You can't remember your name and you've fallen on the floor. Someone is screaming and all you see is a blur of light and then...nothing.


	2. Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short short chapter before the story really begins

Everything started in November of last year. All those holidays where all everyone wanted to do was eat. So you, against your better judgement, did too. 

By December 1st, you had gained 10 pounds. 

Which was okay, all you had to do was stop eating for a few days and you'd be right back to your slim self. 

But one day you and Sollux were sitting together, watching television with his arm around you when his phone lit up. A name popped up with a heart next to it. And that name wasn't yours. You pretended you didn't see it as Sollux picked it up and replied quickly. 

"Who's that?" You asked him after he put his arm back around you. 

"Just a friend" he replied cooly. 

But you didn't believe him. You knew he was talking to another girl. It was because you got fat it had to be. That was the only thing that changed. 

So you stopped eating again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments make the next chapter come faster


	3. Chapter 3

After that day, you quit.

The Archaeology Club, eating more than 1000 calories in a day, drinking coffee, friends. 

The only thing you didn't quit, however, was track. 

The 6-8 mile runs everyday were enough to keep your brain clear, and with all the sprints and exercises after each run, it was enough to burn off the 1000 calories you ate everyday.

By Valentine's Day, you lost the ten pounds you put on, and fifteen extra for good measure. All you had now was a nearly perfect body and Sollux. 

That was your life, but you knew Sollux would be leaving it eventually. He still texted that person with the heart next to their name. 

Within the next two weeks, you found out he'd been texting your friend, Feferi. It broke you. Feferi was popular, gorgeous, smart, athletic, bubbly; she was everything you weren't, the only thing you had on her was your stick-thin bod and, by then, you knew it wasn't enough. 

Sollux broke up with you not even a month after Valentine's Day. 

"You're too boring, A" he said, "Fef is exciting! She's the captain of the lacrosse, cheer and swim team, you just do track, She's happy and outgoing and she likes me."

"But I love you" you had retorted desperately "And you loved me"

Sollux shook his head sadly. 

"I haven't loved you since before Christmas" he said sadly, "I only stayed with you because I didn't know how to end it."

"So you're leaving me for Feferi?"

"Exactly." 

You didn't cry. 

"Well," you said strongly, "I hope you don't date her for 4 years and then dump her when something better comes along, she was my friend, she deserves better." 

"I'm sorry, A" 

"Shut up Sollux," you snapped, "I know you don't mean it, so don't even try lying. Get out of my house and go home."

"Wait, A, you picked me up and drove me here." 

You push him to your front door and open it.

"Feferi has a car, go ask her to drive you." you say, closing the door in his face.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of what happened in chapter 1!!

You woke up in a warm room lit up with cold lights. The smell of antiseptic quickly filled your nostrils and quickly roused you. 

You're lying down in a bed, in a hospital with bandages tightly wrapping up your arm. And then you remembered what you did, what you tried to do. 

Why are you still here?

What did you do wrong? 

(All you ever do is mess up)

Who saved you?

(You didn't deserve that, you don't deserve to be alive right now) 

(Aradia you left the door unlocked.)

(How could you be so stupid? You really don't deserve to be alive. No wonder nobody likes you anymore, you're ridiculously inconsequential. You're worthless. You can't do anything right. You can't even kill yourself.)

"Aradia, you're awake." A doctor or nurse (someone who wears scrubs and works in a hospital) told you, as if you weren't aware. 

"Yeah, I realized" you snapped. 

(God Aradia, do you always have to be such a bitch?)

"One of your friends brought you here yesterday afternoon." The man in scrubs told you "He said he came over to see you because he noticed you've been kind of sad lately and he wanted to check on you."

So it was Tavros who saved you. 

"Have you been feeling sad a lot lately?" The doctor asked

"I've been feeling a lot of things lately," you answer back. "Sad could quite possible be one of the things I was feeling, yes." 

The doctor raised a (condescending) eyebrow at you. 

"Aradia, we both know what you tried to do." He said. "We need to see if you're okay to go home." 

"I'm not fucking okay to go home." You growl at him. "Going home is the last thing I want to do."

"So are you saying you wouldn't be safe if you went home right now?"

"If I go home, I won't end up back here I can tell you that." 

The doctor nodded. "You seem like a very troubled young lady, Aradia." And then he left you alone with your thoughts. 

(Aradia when you get home, don't fuck up again. Do something right for once. All you do is mess up. Tavros is the only person who cares, but the only reason he does is because he feels bad for you. Everyone feels bad for you. You're very being is just pitiable)

But you didn't go home that day. Or that week for the matter. About an hour after the doctor spoke to you, you were admitted into the hospital in the Adolescent Psychiatric Ward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments pls

**Author's Note:**

> Press kudos and don't forget to comment your opinions!!


End file.
